Issue 12

Welcome to Issue 12 of TopBlogMag, and what another great issue it is!

This weeks theme for our writers was "Can't get you out of my mind" and has inspired some deep, thoughtful and heartfelt posts.

Heather from Surviving Motherhood re-thinks her family's destiny.
Emma from Mommy Has A Headache thinks back over how it ended

and our the writer of this weeks feature post and winner of the Blog Of The Week Award,

Lill from Hawkhill Acres moves us in her heartfelt post Wildflowers and Memories Return Every Spring.

This week also bring us another great artist from the fabulous John from Altjiranga Mitjina in our weekly music column Voices to Hear

If you find yourself wondering what you would have written for this weeks theme and want to share it with us, simply write your post on the theme "Can't Get You Out Of My Head", link it to TopBlogMag and email me the url and I shall post the link in here (found at the bottom of the page) in a list on a first come first served basis. The theme for next week (should you want to get your thinking caps on to play along already) is "What did you say?"

Go get yourself a cup of tea (or coffee...or something stronger if it's been one of those days already), shut the door so you can't hear the kids yelling, put up your feet and take a gander through this weeks posts. Remember, everything you can see here on this page is part of this weeks issue, scroll right down to the bottom, leave the writers some comments and click on over to the blogs of the writers you enjoy.

See you next week,

Heather.

Wildflowers and Memories Return Every Spring

Written by Lill from News From Hawkhill Acres

My son was three when he discovered flowers. I had a little flower garden then, not much of one because he was sick with asthma and immune system problems so often, sometimes hospitalized, so I couldn't always take care of the garden.

We were sitting on a log that I'd rolled to the edge of the flowerbed and I was weeding. Mike was sitting against my leg and suddenly noticed a vivid blue Columbine. He was so excited.

I picked one on its long stem and handed it to him.

"Columbine, Mike," I said.

"Combine's are bee-u-tee-full," he said, and he very carefully stroked his cheek with it and then my cheek. "Mommy, do you like Combines?"

"Next to Johnny Jump Ups, they're my favorite flower."

Every spring after that, Mike helped me with my garden, even when he developed Tourette Syndrome and wild mood swings that made him very frustrated and very hard to be with sometimes. Often, I would walk out to sit in the garden, only to have him follow me, pace around the yard for awhile and then sit quietly beside me, until he had himself under control.

Every spring, even when I forgot, he would find my favorite flowers, and come running in with a bunch wilting in his hand. I'd put them into a vase and we'd admire them for days until the summer flowers started to bloom and the spring wildflowers faded away, although the Johnny Jump Ups kept popping up here and there, all the way through until almost fall. Their little pansy-like faces in yellow and purple are so cheerful after a long Maine winter.

This spring, the only Johnny Jump Ups that I noticed were the ones that mysteriously appeared in a flowerbox beside the door - one I hadn't bothered to plant with anything. I was amazed when I saw several Johnny Jump Ups pushing up through the soil, and stood there staring at those cheerful little faces, wishing that Mike was with me so I could show them to him.

Then I ran to the garden to look for Columbines, but there were none. The weeds had crowded them out. I was so disappointed that I cried. There had been three beautiful plants and I had let them die through neglect. Worse, Mike would have loved to have seen them.

A few days later, while walking in our field, I saw a blue haze covering the grass under it in a circle about ten feet wide. It was Columbines. More Columbines than I have ever seen before in one place. I picked a bunch and took them home to make a bouquet with the Johnny Jump Ups. When the flowers have gone by, I'll take some seed home to dry and dig up some plants to put in my garden.

I really needed the Columbines and Johnny Jump Ups this spring, because I don't have Mike. He died from a sudden overwhelming infection 15 months ago. For 11 yrs, he was with me in my garden and my walks through the fields. Of my three children, he was the only one who really loved flowers and gardening the way I do. Last year, I couldn't even look at my garden and almost hoed it under, because of the sad memories it evoked. Now, I'm glad I didn't. I need a place in my garden - and in my heart - for flowers and memories that come in the spring.

I'm 56, married with two children - one of each. They learn at home; I work at home. When things get too fraught, I hide behind the furnace and read and eat dark chocolate - Fair Trade, of course. They always find me and drag me upstairs to play video games, but there's hope. Spring is here and soon I'll be able to hide outside. When I'm not hiding or teaching my progeny, I enjoy knitting socks, reading and cooking - although not all at once - and writing at News From Hawkhill Acres.

How It Ended

Written by Emma Kaufmann from Mommy Has A Headache

How must I have looked to you back then, that young girl in black skirt and tights, doing a head stand at your party? Like a spider scrabbling up the wall? What was it about me that made you stare at that flailing girl, causing me to collapse into a heap of drunken laughter?

“You have an unusual approach to social convention,” you said, coming up to me. As I leant backwards against the wall, your gaze pinned me to it.

“Sorry, ah, I seem to have got some foot prints on your wall. I’ll go and clean them off, shall I?”

“Don’t worry about it,” he said, smiling and causing a huge amount of turbulence to start up in my groin.

Ah yes, those heady early days, when you loved the fact that I had little regard for social niceties. And a few days later, how you adored my unconventionality, when I had sex with you in your front room, even though you had two flat mates who could have burst in at any time. Soon my lack of social graces would become a bone of contention. But that was still in the future. Let’s keep this chronological.

After our front room sex, you enquired, “So, do you want to see me again?”

To which I replied, “I’m not sure. What if you’re a bastard?”

And you said, “I’m not.”

Which was a bit of a lie, as it goes.

For the first few months, I was in control. I was still living with my mum, and would kick you out at four a.m. because she didn’t allow men to stay the night. You seemed to like me treating you mean. At least I think you did. All I know is, you kept coming back.

Our relationship was all about the rows. Drunken rows in London taxis at midnight, always the glow of streetlamps bobbing away while we bared teeth. I’ve since forgotten what we rowed about, but I enjoyed those rows and the make up sex. And of course, the break up sex. And so it went. We’d split and come back together, over and over. Until finally, I was just your bit on the side, while you dated other women. Why did I do it? Why did you do it to me? Why did I let you? Because I couldn’t forget about you, even though I’d tried all the usual ways: sleeping around, not seeing you, pretending I didn’t love you and telling myself I was over you.

It finally ended when I moved to the States to start a new life, a new family. Somehow, the thought of the Atlantic sloshing coldly between us helped loosen the emotional bonds.

But if I hadn’t left England, I can’t imagine that there would ever have been a time when I wouldn’t have longed to bump into you on the street. When I wouldn’t have enquired to mutual friends, “Does anyone still see Daniel? What’s he doing these days?” Can’t imagine a time when I wouldn’t have felt the pulse of you, all mixed up with my blood, coursing through my veins.

Some people say bad relationships are a waste of time, but that’s not the way I feel about you. Looking back on all the rows, the bad words said, that was love, even though we couldn’t show it.

Emma Kaufmann is a British girl who now lives in Baltimore, USA, with her long suffering husband and their two young daughters. When she isn’t writing her blog, Mommy Has A Headache, she daydreams about all things English: Crunchie Bars, pub gardens, corgis, rainy summers and how she could murder a pint.

Re-Thinking Our Thinking

Written by Ms. Em from The Eating Disorders Survivors Club

When we have difficulty getting thoughts out of our head, it remarkably has to do with our ability to focus and be present. Often, the thoughts which race through our minds, the ones which we can't get out of our heads are actually cognitive distortions.

I remember walking into an eating disorder program and looking over my shoulder to see a big sheet of paper with the heading; Common Cognitive Distortions. As I started reading through each error/distortion I nearly fell off of my chair.

Cue: Ten enviornmentally friendly light bulbs flashing over my head and some fireworks accompanied by Beethoven's Ode to Joy .

I looked at the counselor and asked, "Is this a joke? Are these really psychologically-based definitions?" (Yes, those were my words. I did get a degree in psychology/psychological jargon).

'S' replied, "Yes. It's fairly common for people with an eating disorder to unknowingly use cognitive distortions on a daily basis." (Ann, not sure if you were there that day! *smiling*)

Learning that these Cognitive Distortions were logical but not rational was liberating. How many things I misperceived due to distorted thinking?!?

I used to carry a copy of these distortions with me. When my mind was spiraling at 150 mph, they reminded me that:

1) NO, I am not crazy.
2) My feelings ARE valid.
3) I can't change my feelings, but I can change the way I process them.

In hopes they provide you the same comfort and insight they afforded me, I offer you...

The Top 10 Cognitive Disortions

1. ALL-OR-NOTHING THINKING
You see things in black-and-white categories. If your performance falls short of perfect, you see your self as a total failure.
(Note: I'm only using the "F" word b/c it's part of the definition. It's still banned).

2. OVERGENERALIZATION
You see a single negative event as a never-ending pattern of defeat.

3. MENTAL FILTER
You pick out a single negative detail and dwell on it exclusively so that your vision of all reality becomes darkened, like the drop of ink that discolors the entire beaker of water.

4. DISQUALIFYING THE POSITIVE
You reject positive experiences by insisting they "don't count" for some reason or other. In this way you can maintain a negative belief that is contradicted by your everyday experiences.

5. JUMPING TO CONCLUSIONS
You make a negative interpretation even though there are no definite facts that convincingly support your conclusion.

a) MIND READING
You arbitrarily conclude that someone is reacting negatively to you, and you don't bother to check this out

b) THE FORTUNETELLER ERROR
You can anticipate that things will turn out badly, and you feel convinced that your prediction is an already-established fact.

6. MAGNIFICATION (CATASTROPHIZING) OR MINIMIZATION
You exaggerate the importance of things (such as your goof-up or someone else's achievement), or you inappropriately shrink things until they appear tiny (your own desirable qualities or other fellow's imperfections). This is also called the binocular trick."

7. EMOTIONAL REASONING
You assume that your negative emotions necessarily reflect the way things really are: "I feel it, therefore it must be true."

8. SHOULD STATEMENTS
You try to motivate yourself with should and shouldn't, as if you had to be whipped and punished before you could be expected to do anything. "Musts" and "oughts" are also offenders. The emotional consequences are guilt. When you direct should statements toward others, you feel anger, frustration, and resentment.
(Note: Thus, my banning of this and similar phrases).

9. LABELING AND MISLABELING
This is an extreme form of overgeneralization. Instead of describing your error, you attach a negative label to yourself. "I'm a loser." When someone else's behavior rubs you the wrong way, you attach a negative label to him" "He's a Goddamn louse." Mislabeling involves describing an event with language that is highly colored and emotionally loaded.

10. PERSONALIZATION
You see your self as the cause of some negative external event, which in fact you were not primarily responsible for.

Sometimes, we can find comfort in knowing that the thoughts which are reverberating through our mind are errors in thinking. Understanding this has always provided me a sense of calm. I hope it affords you the same sense of peace.

By: Ms. Em

Founder: The Eating Disorder Survivors Club

The Eating Disorder Survivors Club is a health & wellness support group and self-help resource for those struggling to break free of eating disorders and addictions so that they can live the best life possible; the life they deserve!

Always On My Mind

Do you believe in fate, in destiny, that some things in life are just meant to be?

I don’t.

Not at all.

In fact I believe that our lives are completely random and it is up to us to drive them in the right direction.

Why then do I feel as if there is something out there trying to steer my life, family’s life, if not to a different destination, at least on a totally different route to said destination?

I am talking, obviously (said with a large dose of sarcasm and a rather French shrug of the arms), about adoption.

Adoption, much like the word ‘children’, used to be something I though of only in the abstract. It was one of those things that I was aware existed but, much like lottery wins and Aids, only happened to other people, people I didn’t know. As I grew and matured some of these things that only happened to other people started happening to people I knew (sadly no lottery wins) but the other stuff, the illnesses, the pregnancies, the big things in life; but adoption was never one of them.

During my travels to Africa and South America, having seen all the poverty, pain and disease I never once thought about adopting one of these poor children.

Throughout the new Hollywood fashion of adopting (legally or otherwise) children form poorer nations it never touched me, never moved me to think anything more than “that’s nice I guess”, not once did the thought “I could do that” cross my mind.

A few weeks ago I was watching a BBC documentary on breastfeeding, I believe it was called “Extraordinary Breastfeeding”, which awoke all sports of emotions in me, mostly about my reactions to breastfeeding which I wrote about here. However, once the emotional dust had settled and I took stock of what was left, the one thing that stood out from the documentary was the part about adoption.

Ever since, it seems to be a nagging thought just on the brink of my conscious mind and everywhere I turn, every new blog I read, documentary I watch, newspaper I pick up seems to have an adoption element to it and with it a tirade of questions, doubts and fears invading my brain.

I don’t know if “I can do that”, I don’t know if I have what it takes to be a mother to someone who I didn’t carry around inside me, to someone who isn’t a part of me. Could I really love ‘an outsider’ as much as I love Little Moo? Would I be able to accept him or her completely, not pick favourites or take sides in arguments? And what about Husband? Could he do that? What if I asked him and he said that he couldn’t? Could I still love him as much if I knew that about him?

And yet with all these nagging doubts and fears, I really can’t get that thought out of my head.

Are some things just meant to be?

When not chasing reindeer out of her garden, cows around the field or her baby through the house, Heather can be found over at her blog Surviving Motherhood, where some days the only way to survive is by cracking open the wine. Who says white wine and cornflakes don't go together?

voices to hear #4

Written by John from Altjiranga Mitjina

This week’s voice to hear has been recording since the mid nineties. She’s had a fair share of acceptance, her most recent album debuted at #34 on the charts, but she still is far from a household name. She’s Patty Griffin, currently living in Austin Texas and one of the most accomplished singer/songwriters currently working.

Her newest album Children Running Through was released in February of this year and a lot of magazine critics were already calling it the best album of the year, only two months in the year, but they felt it was such a strong album. Patty has always been a great singer, but on her new album her voice goes places she’s never visited before to bring the emotion for these songs. The album is more a stripped down affair, with some horns and strings, that bring to mind classic R&B and gospel music.

One of the songs from her new album “Up To The Mountain” was sung by Kelly
Clarkson on the special edition of American Idol with guitar accompaniment by Jeff
Beck. Patty’s songs have been widely covered by other artists. The Dixie Chicks have sung three of her songs on their albums. Other artists that have covered her material are Martina McBride, Mary Chapin Carpenter, Emmylou Harris, Solomon Burke and Bette Midler.

Patty was living in Boston waiting tables and taking guitar lessons when her teacher persuaded her to accompany him on stage one night. This helped her overcome the stage fright she had and enabled her to start performing in public. She soon landed a spot at A&M Records and her first album Living With Ghosts. The album was basically her stripped down demos released after trying to cut more elaborate studio versions failed. Her next album Flaming Red brought more sound to her songs and was somewhat of a surprise to her fans after hearing the more low key first album.

Her next album became a casualty of the ever changing world of the music business. The album was recorded in 2000 and was never released. Two years later she signed with Dave Matthews’ label and released the folk inspired mostly acoustic album 1000 Kisses. This was followed shortly by a live CD/DVD A Kiss In Time.

2004 she came out with a new album entitled Impossible Dream. “Top of the World” from this album was covered by the Dixie Chicks and the song “Kite” was used in the television show Joan of Arcadia in one of the best uses of a song for a show I think.

Her current album came out at the start of this year and is considered to be her best music to date. Her singing has never been better and the album finds her mixing gospel and R&B influences with her folk leanings. While I think it is too early in the year to call it the best album of the year like some critics have already done so I will safely concede that it will be one of the top albums of the year. It’s that good.

Playing Along

If you find yourself wondering what you would have written for this weeks theme and want to share it with us, simply write your post on the theme "Can't Get You Out Of My Head", link it to TopBlogMag and email me the url and I shall post the links in a list on a first come first served basis.

The theme for next week (should you want to get your thinking caps on to play along already) is "What did you say?"

Playing along this week:

1. The Zen of Motherhood with Bitch Theory