Monday, June 18, 2007

How It Ended

Written by Emma Kaufmann from Mommy Has A Headache

How must I have looked to you back then, that young girl in black skirt and tights, doing a head stand at your party? Like a spider scrabbling up the wall? What was it about me that made you stare at that flailing girl, causing me to collapse into a heap of drunken laughter?

“You have an unusual approach to social convention,” you said, coming up to me. As I leant backwards against the wall, your gaze pinned me to it.

“Sorry, ah, I seem to have got some foot prints on your wall. I’ll go and clean them off, shall I?”

“Don’t worry about it,” he said, smiling and causing a huge amount of turbulence to start up in my groin.

Ah yes, those heady early days, when you loved the fact that I had little regard for social niceties. And a few days later, how you adored my unconventionality, when I had sex with you in your front room, even though you had two flat mates who could have burst in at any time. Soon my lack of social graces would become a bone of contention. But that was still in the future. Let’s keep this chronological.

After our front room sex, you enquired, “So, do you want to see me again?”

To which I replied, “I’m not sure. What if you’re a bastard?”

And you said, “I’m not.”

Which was a bit of a lie, as it goes.

For the first few months, I was in control. I was still living with my mum, and would kick you out at four a.m. because she didn’t allow men to stay the night. You seemed to like me treating you mean. At least I think you did. All I know is, you kept coming back.

Our relationship was all about the rows. Drunken rows in London taxis at midnight, always the glow of streetlamps bobbing away while we bared teeth. I’ve since forgotten what we rowed about, but I enjoyed those rows and the make up sex. And of course, the break up sex. And so it went. We’d split and come back together, over and over. Until finally, I was just your bit on the side, while you dated other women. Why did I do it? Why did you do it to me? Why did I let you? Because I couldn’t forget about you, even though I’d tried all the usual ways: sleeping around, not seeing you, pretending I didn’t love you and telling myself I was over you.

It finally ended when I moved to the States to start a new life, a new family. Somehow, the thought of the Atlantic sloshing coldly between us helped loosen the emotional bonds.

But if I hadn’t left England, I can’t imagine that there would ever have been a time when I wouldn’t have longed to bump into you on the street. When I wouldn’t have enquired to mutual friends, “Does anyone still see Daniel? What’s he doing these days?” Can’t imagine a time when I wouldn’t have felt the pulse of you, all mixed up with my blood, coursing through my veins.

Some people say bad relationships are a waste of time, but that’s not the way I feel about you. Looking back on all the rows, the bad words said, that was love, even though we couldn’t show it.

Emma Kaufmann is a British girl who now lives in Baltimore, USA, with her long suffering husband and their two young daughters. When she isn’t writing her blog, Mommy Has A Headache, she daydreams about all things English: Crunchie Bars, pub gardens, corgis, rainy summers and how she could murder a pint.

6 comments:

Not From Lapland said...

I have someone like that too, someone whom, if I hadn't moved away and started a new life, I am sure would always have been there in one form or another. It's got to be much healthier this way.

I miss fruit n nut and a cold pint in the pub garden the most.

Admin said...

Geez, you're both making me miss England and I'm not from there. I could murder a pint too though, but I'll have to settle for Riesling because that's all we have and not much of that. Your post brought back memories, but I'm not going to say which ones.
Shine On,
Lill

Anonymous said...

That was truly heartfelt - we all have those memories of the one that got away (even if he was the worst thing in the world for us) but your tale was heartbreaking nonetheless...excellent writing..

Bill Blunt said...

Wonderfully written.

Kind regards

THJnr

Maude Lynn said...

Really well-written. Good stuff.

Custom Sheds Flint said...

Great bllog I enjoyed reading

Featured Post and Blog of the Week



You Are Here

by Amie from
MammaLoves...


You did well in school to get into college. You tried to get by well enough in college to be attractive to an employer or graduate program, and along the way you may have opened your heart a time or two. Maybe you even found true love.

With a foot in the door, the first years of work were the time to
prove your mettle once again. Promotions, raises all with the goal to secure your future will allow you to settle down, buy a house, travel, commit to a relationship, have kids or not. In what feels like a blink of an eye, your future is here.

And now what?


Read the full post...

Chance Favors Only Those Who Court Her

by Debbie from Missives from Suburbia


After a less-than-friendly divorce, I was on the market again. Seizing the opportunity, my friends scoured their address books and Palm Pilots for single men and set me up on blind date after blind date. My reaction to most of those dates was, "I call these people my FRIENDS?" One of my real friends suggested Match.com, and given how much I love the Internet, I gave it a go.

A couple months of e-dating passed by in a blink. It was fun, but so far nothing meaningful had hit my radar, and my match inventory was starting to run low. You see, Match.com "matches" you to people based on a list of your requirements, and I'd pretty much run through all my existing matches who didn't seem psycho or stoned, based on their profiles.

Then, one day, I got an email from a guy who was not a match by my standards...

Read the full post...

A Lost Opportunity

by John from Altjiranga Mitjina


Trying to break in as a writer in the comic book industry can be a bit like the one legged man in a butt kicking contest. Every step forward you make means you land on your butt after your kick forward. Comic books are a visual medium. An artist can bring a portfolio to an editor at a convention and said editor can sit there and look at it within minutes and decide if this artist is worthy of working on the newest issue of Stupendous Man or not. Trying being a hopeful writer handing over a script to this same editor at a busy comic convention. You’ll be lucky if the editor agrees to take the script and promise that they’ll look at it later. Most times the hopeful writer is told to send for their submission guidelines and mail in their proposal.

The best way for a writer is to find an aspiring artist and hook up...

Read the full post...

Jesus Toothpaste!

by Karen Rayne from Adolescent Sexuality Today with Karen Rayne, Ph.D.


This weekend I went out of town, leaving my family to fend for themselves. On Saturday, my darling husband took my two darling daughters – 6 and 3 years old – to what he heard was a fun new toy store in town. Great, right?

They walk in the door, and the 6-year-old pipes up with “Look, Daddy! Jesus toothpaste!” He takes one look, puts one hand on each girl’s shoulder, and does a 180 out of the store. It may be a fun new toy store, but it’s intended clientele does not include the under-13 set.

When I got home on Sunday, the first thing the 6-year-old says to me was, “Guess what! We saw Jesus toothpaste!” I blinked, figuring I hadn’t heard her correctly. Regrettably, I had...

Read the full post...

A biker, a green thumb, a cracked hand, and a Queen.

by Megan from Velveteen Mind, originally guest posted at Queen of Spain


A random biker on a Harley-Davidson took my picture last week. What I wanted to do was take his picture, but I hesitated. Now, instead of a photo of some random biker holding an i am bossy.com bumper sticker, all I have is a lame photo of me holding the bumper sticker and the mental picture of him riding off into the sunset, never to be seen again.

Okay, it wasn’t as romantic or dramatic as that. It was nine in the morning and there was no sunset.

This is not the first time that I have hesitated to seize an opportunity. I don’t expect it will be the last. However, I hope with each lost chance for something intriguing, I will lose a shade of that hesitation for next time...

Read the full post...