Pour Your Misery Down On Me
Written by Megan from Velveteen Mind
I don't understand why I don't find joy more interesting. I don't understand why I don't find reading books and blogs or watching movies about happiness or satisfaction more, well, satisfying. I noticed that when reading other people's blogs, I usually only skim the "we had a great day today" posts. Sunshine and puppy dogs just don't capture my attention. It's not that I'm anti-sunshine and puppy dogs. I'm all for happiness. However, I just don't seem to be interested in reading about it. Or writing about it, for that matter.
Now playing in my head, "I'm Only Happy When It Rains" by Garbage.
The most enthralling and captivating writing for me is that which focuses on a challenge, a problem, a question. Something that engages me and seems to invite me into the experience. If the author is having a great day, I'm happy for them and appreciate their sharing their good times, but I don't feel compelled to post a blog comment like, "Ditto! Rainbows rule!" Yet if the author is mulling over some kind of tumultuous issue, I feel invited into the story, compelled to offer either advice or sympathy. In the best scenario, I can offer empathy. Even if I don't respond, I feel more engaged than I would to a story about, say, a perfect day at the beach.
I recently wrote a blog comment in response to a post about a perfect day at the beach with your children, commenting that it is the simple moments of uncomplicated happiness that make up the best childhood memories. I believe that. I love simple pleasures. I don't look for the negative. Quite the contrary, in fact. However, I have very little interest in exploring these simple and beautiful days. Nothing in me feels compelled to record them for posterity, beyond photographs.
Hence, huge spans of peaceful time represented in my journals by one little side note. This is ironic, because I firmly believe that our worst suffering in life will only be a footnote in our history. Keep your pain in perspective, as it will be over someday, you will make it through. However, in the meantime, address it, work through it, learn from it. Write about it.
Other people's issues make us feel connected. We learn from the experiences of others, particularly when they make mistakes or suffer injustices. Much more interesting than fairy dust and roses, don't you think?
Perhaps it is that I find more satisfaction in happiness hard won. Happiness for which I longed, for which I ached. I once heard someone say that they loved to get a charley horse. When asked why, they responded, "It hurts something fierce, yes, but when it's over, it just feels soooo good."
In the great SAT analogy of life, suffering is to foreplay as joy is to orgasm. You could certainly have stand-alone joy, but isn't it that much more enthralling when you've had to work for it a little? When you've had to massage out the aches and focus on what you want? Now, that kind of joy I find interesting, particularly if I'm privy to the road leading up to it.
Suffering cuts through all of the surface noise, cuts through to the heart of us, allowing joy to take root. That interests me.
Relish the Velveteen. Revel in the Threadbare. Life of a Mom Articulate.
Megan is a mother of two boys under three, writing about living with perspective, serious doses of humor, and a grateful heart. Full color illustrations included, of course. Join her at www.velveteenmind.com as she relishes the velveteen and revels in the threadbare of her articulate life.
104 comments:
I think it's just the nature of humanity. There is nothing to explore and learn from if there is nothing to challenge us, right?
Thank you! This was a fun challenge.
By the way, I used to teach spelling, so I really do know that "misery" only has one "s." I'm sure it was just a late-night entry error by the editor (you can't spell-check titles, right?) and hope it will be fixed soon. Otherwise, just consider it some kind of obscure feminist statement. Very obscure.
Aaah, don't you just love pet peeves?
Suffering invites analysis, whereas joy invites you to just be in the moment and leave well enough alone. Great post!
When I started to read this I thought you were going to put yourself in that category of people who seem to thrive in hearing (and often relaying) other people's troubles. I was relieved to read on and get a better understanding of what you mean.
I think you hit the nail on the head when you touched on the 'empathy' aspect. When we have been through pain and suffering, it is easier to recognize it, especially in this blogging 'medium', where people often use writing as a cathartic process, and perhaps it is that which draws you in.
One of the values of the 'blogosphere' as I see it, is how many specialist blogs exist about various life challenges people face, and how the blogs work as a method of connecting with others in similar situations, and how that connection can help.
How true of so many things in life, too, that the harder you work for something, or the more you struggle towards something through whatever challenges you encounter, that when you prevail despite these things, the good times are very sweet indeed.
Great post.
You are NOT alone! Trust me. Everyone is after "dirty laundry." Remember that song? We want the dirt. In some cases, it actually makes us feel better I think to know others are worse off than we are. At other times we seem to want to commiserate with others. It's a way to show love for one another without too much commitment. Ultimately, you're right, suffering makes joy all the sweeter! We can't tell warmth without cold so how can we tell joy without sorrow? I too skim over fluff and just do a mental "oh that's nice" and move on. We care, it's just that it doesn't need us to participate in any way when there is no problem to be heard or to solve.
A real thought provoker Megan, thank you.
Suffering also unites people, while joy makes you stand in your own sunshine beam. You often forget to bring others into it; you get too into yourself.
Suffering, as you say, is the precursor to joy: it is the momentum going up the hill on a bike that makes cresting the hill and riding down the other side so much fun.
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Without experiencing suffering we wouldn't feel joy, would we? Without one with which to compare the other, there is no understanding of either.
Great post. Now anyone want to join me today in suffering with these boys who are making me pull out my hair?
Thank you for the great comments. Thought provoking in and of themselves. It's interesting to see different takes on this.
I like the idea that joy makes you stand in your own sunshine beam. Sometimes it's harder to include others in joy.
I absolutely agree that writing about challenges or problems or questions invites your reader in more than sharing tales of happiness. Often, a happy story is a finished story. You are relating the fun details after the fact.
However, with current turmoil, you are often still in the middle of it, searching for answers and understanding. This is inviting. It includes your audience in the process.
Joy is then particularly more interesting when you can share it with others who have helped you reach it.
It's the drama in life -- the conflicts, the challenges, the dredges -- that's what makes a good story, no?
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