Maybe When She Retires I'll Take Over the Show

Written by Meg from Simply Nutmeg

I think the whole world goes to sleep at night dreaming of being interviewed by Oprah. Actually, I've had both the dream and the nightmare. In the dream I'm being interviewed about my smash-hit memoir that is actually true. In the nightmare I'm on the show about the mothers who have lost everything because of their methadone addiction. Here are a few more shows I don't want to be on:

• Mothers who lose their children at carnivals and never find them again
• The very bad hair make-over show
• Women who find out after ten blissful years of marriage that their husband is really a woman
• The interview from prison show

I wouldn't mind if my fifteen minutes of fame came from being on one of these episodes:

• Moms who win the lottery even though they don't play
• Women over 40 who look 25
• Millionaire mom who saves the world with her blog
• Women who find babies in baskets on their front porches
• The 'how we got him impeached' show

I'm not in it for just the fame. I want Andre to do my hair too. I also want to be seen by all my old boyfriends who will obviously smack the sides of their heads and say, "Why did I ever let that one go?" (Too late, Dude!)

I'm sure if I made it on the show for whatever the reason, Oprah would think I was just the best, and that would be the end of Gail. We'd talk every night on the phone and I'd tell her what I thought of the day's episode. I'd tell her not to wear those clingy tan pants anymore and she would thank me for the advice. And listen. I'd most likely have to take over editing the magazine. She'd start leaving witty comments on my blog and I would subsequently beat Dooce in the Bloggers Choice Awards. Hell, I'd even beat Rosie.

In the mean time, my book would sell two billion copies and I would be invited on a world book-signing tour. I'd bring along the whole family, but I'd need to hire a couple of British nannies (ugly ones because I'm not ending up on the show about women who lose their men to the nanny.) I'd get to sleep in every day. Life would be sweet.

Maybe she'll interview me because I wrote a funny little blog post for TOPBLOGMAG. One can dream, right?

A writer, editor, teacher, and mom to four little menches, Meg dreams big every day at www.simplynutmeg.com.