Written by Pickel from My Two Boys
I turned thirty last year. I have cellulite. I have stretch marks even though I never birthed a child. Last week I found an age spot just below my left eye. I have gained 15 pounds in the last year, mostly because of my happy medicine but also because I love Snickers and McDonalds Double Cheeseburger (hold the pickles, please). My vice is red wine and I’m losing my hearing.
I can’t hear you.
Apparently I have a hereditary (or genetic, whatever they call it) hearing loss of the inner ear. I can’t hear about 40 percent of high frequency sounds already and I am quickly losing the rest of my hearing. Good thing I taught Little Pickel Baby Signs, right?
I’ve always known this was a possibility because my grandmother was deaf. She had two hearing aids by they time she was in her 50’s or 60’s, my mother can’t quite pinpoint the age but I remember them when I was around five or six. She rarely wore them because they amplified everything for her, including the cash register at the corner grocery store she and my grandfather owned. Can you imagine the sound of a cash register amplified 100 times? Ding, Ding, Ding. Instead, she learned to become a masterful lip reader. All of her customers knew to look directly at her when speaking and as kids, my brothers and I did the same so she could read what we were saying.
I had a hearing test about two months ago because I had a sinus infection and could not hear everything. When my physician did a routine hearting test on me she noticed a loss that was not correlated to the infection. So I saw the audiologist. He confirmed the loss…a pretty significant one.
Damn, I thought. Is this it?
I told my mother the other day. Her response?
“You’re great grandfather was deaf too…almost all his life.”
Shit. Can I say that?
Oh hell, shit, shit, shit.
I suppose I best get used to it. You know they now have hearing aids that look like Bluetooth’s? I could seriously be styling with red platinum aids, my rocking cellulite and stretch marks (all of which are totally cool, you know…all the hip moms have them), and my age spots. If only I could afford the $3000 dollars a pair for the cool ones. Oh, I just go with the granny style.
Look for me: Pickel with the in ear cream colored hearing aids, cellulite bubbling out from my shorts (which don’t fit because I gained 15 pounds), a greasy double cheeseburger and a glass of red wine. Dude, should I just get the wine from a box?
Pickel is a SAHM wanting to be a WAHM. She is a mom of one blond angel from